Flowers at Funerals

What kind of flowers can you place on a coffin or send to a funeral?

I was recently involved in the funeral for my 'aunt' (mother's cousin by marriage but also related to me by marriage). The family delegated to me the flowers for the funeral. The undertakers first suggestion was a wreath.

Wreaths
I don't like wreaths. I find wreaths depressing. After the death of my mother I asked a minister why you cover mirrors, usually with black cloth. I'd thought it was either because you should be thinking of the deceased, not vainly wondering what you looked like, or so you were not more upset and sorry for yourself by seeing your own eyes red from crying. I said to the minister, hopefully, 'Is it to help you feel less unhappy'.

'Oh, no,' he replied blithely, 'It's to make you feel worse!'

I was shocked. I thought the whole purpose of the funeral was to support the grieving next of kin.

I could not see the point of a wreath. It does not make you feel better. It is too large to be kept as a souvenir of the occasion.

I asked, 'Is it possible to have something we can keep as a memento, such as a vase of flowers?'

I was offered an arrangement with a sealed water container like a tear-drop shape , with a ribbon around the waist, which keeps the flowers fresh. We considered a photo of the deceased in the middle of the coffin, with the containers either side. These containers cost £45.


My next thought was a narrow-based vase, so we could transfer the flowers from the late morning funeral to the reception lunch afterwards.

I took the flower brochure in my hand, wanting to have a think. (I'm the Myers Briggs ENFP type who don't make quick decisions.) Then I saw just what I wanted in the entrance hall of the funeral directors' shop.

Elegant, different, curvy, and lasting. About £80.


It was supplied by our funeral directors, Hearden and Daughters. Our only kerfuffle was when we (the mourners) stood at the door beside the coffin, assuming that we would exit by that door, to allow the next funeral members to enter by the door used for out entry. No - we were directed to the other end. As we stood in the corridor outside, shaking hands, accepting condolences and hugs, and saying Thank you for coming, the funeral directors had magically moved the flowers out, from behind the curtain, perhaps from the door nearest the coffin and when we got out to the waiting area by the car park our flowers were already on display.

It looked lovely at the funeral and was transferred outside afterwards when we gathered to says goodbyes to those who had to return to work and to arrange lifts and directions for those coming to lunch.

Afterwards, looking at it, I see that it's a black vase with white artificial flowers, and green 'grass', with turquoise blue circles. It blends in with a black and white minimalist decor but also has a touch of colour to complement colourful surroundings. Just right.

Viewing the body

Restoring A Body's Beauty
Before my mother died in 2000, a friend told me that when her mother died, the best service and advice from the undertakers was to have the body restored for a viewing. Instead of remembering her mother looking fail and distraught, her last memory of her mother was of her lying looking peaceful.

This involves restoring the colour to the ashen cheeks, plumping up the cheeks with some substance, maybe cotton wool. If you don't have make-up added, the skin on the face and hands may look white with red blotches, as it often does in real life when people in their eighties or nineties have thinning skin.

We were asked whether we wanted the deceased in her own clothes or a shroud. It's worthwhile considering what this means. Does it mean cremating lovely clothes, instead of a plain white sheet? Is the shroud cremated or washed and reused? Does it cost more to dress a person in day clothes, or to pay for a shroud?

We were told that the hospital returns the body as is. Often with the eyes and mouth open. If you opt for simply the eyes and mouth to be shut, not to pay any extra, is there any point seeing the body?

The Right Body
You want to be sure you are getting the right body. (There have been cases in the UK and USA of the wrong body being buried. This can involve you in identifying an even more decomposed body, and repeating the funeral service.)

An Undamaged Body
When I went to see my uncle's body in the hospital morgue, I wanted to know what the hospital had done. They had said he would live a year or two after the operation. He didn't. I wanted to be reassured, or to have photographic evidence if the hospital had had a mishap, or made a deliberate error.

The morgue attendant was very angry when he found out I was taking photos. He said it wasn't allowed. I couldn't photograph my own uncle, when I was next of kin!

Acceptance
It's also a way of hanging on, being there until the last moment, for the benefit of the deceased and yourself. Or, to look at it a different way, you can stop wondering if there has been a mistake and wishful thinking that the person is not really dead. Like throwing clods of earth onto a coffin, with the awful thuds as a reminder, you must accept that it is over, they are dead, time to move on.

You can put aside the fear that the person is still alive, breathing, and being buried or cremated alive. They are lying still. No breathing. No sign of movement. Not tossing and turning. Not gasping nor flinging their arms about. At rest.

My view is that you should spend the extra money and have the body made looking pretty. We took photos. Not a pleasant memory. She had red blood brushing around under her eyes and on the side of the head. Her hands looked blotchy. When I opened my photo files on my computer I kept oping up those pictures. Two days afterwards I decided to 'hide' them. Not delete them. I have just hidden them so that they aren't shown every time I open up or scan through recent photos.

Religious Symbols
My uncle was placed in the coffin with a shroud bearing the wrong religious symbol. Since he was an atheist, I reckoned he probably would not care. Although he was dead, I did not like the idea of him being 'pulled about' to remove the shroud and replace it with another.

In both the hospital morgue and the 'chapel' in the undertakers' shop, candles were lit. In the hospital the candles seemed very spooky. The hospital also had prayerbooks for several religions. The undertakers shop had a more restful atmosphere.

Breathing and Oxygen, water by syringe and care

Breathing & Oxygen
A patient who is dying can look very distressed, if you know the signs.

My aunt was gasping for breath. When you think about it, it's not just a sign of the end, it means the poor patient feels dreadful, not enough energy to speak, can feel as if they are drowning.

In hospital she was given oxygen. That's to help breathing.

They said that if she were returned to the care home, the hospital would send oxygen with her.  (And possibly a full time nurse. That was reassuring news. About the oxygen, and nurse.

My next door neighbour, a retired nurse, said there are two stages of approaching death, the first stage, then a dip into the final hours. (So presumably that expensive full time nurse would be needed for less than 24 hours, as well as freeing up a hospital bed.)

Five years earlier, I was told by the same hospital that my father had been given oxygen. I had not understood the significance.

I'd heard it said, 'Old people usually die of pneumonia'.

Flinging Arms
She was also flinging her arms about. The car home manager told me, 'That's a sign of distress'. I had sort of gathered that. But being told it clarified the issue, made me more anxious that my sick relative should be given pain relief and attention.

Water By Syringe
By this point the patient could not sit up unaided to speak, or see us, or drink, although the bed had a rising device. She would not or could not swallow. So she was not taking in water. The care home staff told us that they had been using a syringe for an hour to put drops of water in her mouth to keep it moist.

This is time-consuming for staff. Explains why you sometimes find it hard to summon people for what now seem relatively trivial matters such as 'can we have a cup of tea' or 'change the TV channel' or 'just tell tell you we've arrived' or 'we are leaving'.

This news reassured me that she was getting attention and care.

Caring for the dying: benefit from my hindsight on hydration and decisions

How do you keep them alive? What do you say? Do you leave them in hospital or get them out? Is Do Not Resuscitate the kindest thing or handing the hospital a death warrant?

I've had four lots hospital visits, been bystander at two decision about do not resuscitate, been to four funerals, and been executor of two wills. Four people have died, my mother, father, uncle and aunt.

My Uncle In Hospital
  My uncle went into hospital. He was told an operation would prolong his life, from life expectancy of two or three months to two or three years. He was a beloved and unforgettable character - he would go home by taxi or bus during the day to collect his post and look innocent and surprised at night at us visitors when nurses had asked us to search for him.

Organ Donation
  He generously wanted to leave his body to science or for transplants but the hospital had no forms and people told me that organs of elderly people are not needed so much as those of the young and fit. I later read that if you have cancer you should not be giving organs for transplants.

No Touching
After his operation he was in intensive care. I was told not to touch him without wearing protective gloves because he had MRSA.  My father, in his nineties, was at even greater risk of catching something from my uncle or me. So uncle got no comforting touch from visitors.

Communication
Communication was difficult. You had to stand at the foot of the bed so he could see you without turning his head, in order for him to lip-read. I didn't realise he was lip-reading until after his death when I found books on lip-reading.

Uncle was also known to be hard of hearing and the hearing aids were missing. Later he recovered enough to point, or we asked a nurse, and we located his hearing aids on the windowsill.

Lost Ashes
When he died I received the ashes in a green plastic urn. I hid it because my throwaway family would immediately have chucked it out as being morbid and a waste of space. I was supposed to put his ashes in the grave next to his wife from whom he had been divorced many years. I am still hunting for the ashes, wondering whether the urn has been moved or thrown out.

Saving Ashes
Nowadays you can buy pretty painted urn covers, which look like works of art, which you can place in a display cabinet.

Giving Bad News
When my father was in hospital the doctors asked if I wanted them to tell him he had terminal cancer or whether they should tell him. I thought they would do it better. I was wrong.

He immediately said he'd had enough and wanted to die. So they stopped making any attempts to keep him alive. (Or in my view, comfortable.)

Dehydration
My son had already warned me that dehydration results in swelling of the tongue. This means you cannot drink or swallow food. To be that dehydrated must be very miserable. Not just the mouth, the whole body must ache and you must be very depressed. I know that a glass of water revives you fast when you are feeling low.

He found it hard to swallow. He had thrush in his mouth, and feet. I asked them to treat his feet. That treatment might have helped his mouth. A chiropodist or food specialist had a door with a sign only yards away. The doctors said he could be treated for the thrush after he left hospital. He never did.

Exploratory Surgery and CD
He went into hospital with pneumonia. That was cured by pills.

But I allowed them to do exploratory surgery to see what was the matter. They said it was too late, especially given his age, 93, to operate. But he caught Clostridium difficile in hospital. I thought that was like MRSA and you caught it from other patients, even yourself, and hands not washed. Then, five years later, my doctor's surgery nurse said CD comes from surgery.

Student Examination
I also allowed a group of students with the doctor on a visit to examine my father (with his permission). I thought that we should keep in with the staff and be co-oerative, both out of gratitude and as a precaution to maintain goodwill. I also wondered whether with more thoughts and discussion, we would be more likely to get an accurate diagnosis of the problem and suggestions for treatment.

I said that anybody touching him should wash their hands first. They looked most surprised. Given that he ended up with CD, I now regret letting them examine him at all. The more the merrier does not apply to spreading germs to the vulnerable elderly, especially when they are already sick.

Cost of Care And Nurses
My father kept asking to leave hospital. The staff kept warning me of the prohibitive cost of home nursing. Looking back, I would have sacrificed any amount to keep him alive longer. Furthermore, if you are paying inheritance tax on a parent's estate, and fees to lawyers to administer probate, you are better off paying for the nursing care, because half the cost is from money which would go in tax anyway.

Transfer From Hospital to Home
When my father was in hospital I did not know how to get him out. I did not know if I needed permission, whether I would get help with a wheelchair or ambulance.

Looking back, I think I was too shy to ask. It seems absurd, doesn't it? When to transfer, or how to transfer. Later I was told that a hospital has to let you walk out, and if you cannot walk, to assist with a wheelchair or ambulance.

If I had transferred my father to a private hospital, I could have asked them for advice or help to make the arrangements.

Dehydration
Unfortunately either the season or the stress meant that I caught flu. I was too weak to drive to hospital. (I could have called a taxi.) I was afraid of taking in germs to my father or anybody else. I could have called a taxi. When I tried to offer my father a sip of water I realised he could not drink and urgently needed to be put on a drip.

Guilt and Reliving Deaths, Dramatic Moments and Decisions
Feeling guilty, going over and over the circumstances of you loved one's death, these are common experiences even when all your friends and medical staff tell you, 'You did everything you could'.

Information for Survival
Some people say, what will be will be. I think my family survived as long as they did because they wanted to survive and guarded their health. My father lived to 93. I only wish I had kept him going longer. I hope my experiences will help you be better informed in order to make what you feel is the right decision.

Caring For The Sick And Terminally Ill

We received a call from the care home - she's very poorly. I asked the manager if the granny would be better off either in hospital or in a hospice. I was told she would be with people she knew in the care home and less confused.

We went in to see her. She is sitting up and bleeding from her mouth, pleased to see us but has dementia and doesn't say anything coherent and keeps shutting her eyes.

The next day we receive another call. She is worse. I wonder whether they mean she is dead and don't want to tell us in case we crash the car on the way to see her. But it's not quite that bad.

We go in to visit again. She is now in a bed on wheels with high sides. The care home assistant tells us he has sat with 'granny' for an hour putting water in her mouth with a syringe because she cannot swallow.

The care home manager thinks the hospital staff won't have time to give the patient so much attention.

Mattress And Bed Sores
The care home bed has been given a mattress designed to reduce pressure sores, because the patient now has frail skin and even sitting up or pressing down on heels causes problems. The patient has to be moved to prevent too much pressure continually on the same spot.

They have called the GP. We ring the GP. The receptionist tells us that the GP is away for the weekend, back Monday. The home manager tells us she has called the GP/Ambulance service and said it's urgent that the patient gets a visit for morphine and diagnosis.

GP
The weekend is a bad time because the GP is not on call and the out of hours GP tells us that without knowing the patient's history and without a Do Not resuscitate form there are certain procedures he cannot authorise. (I presume any amount of morphine which would cause the patient to relapse, because the staff are reluctant to risk having to keep calling all hands on deck to resuscitate constantly. Maybe they need two to four or more staff attempting to resuscitate for a minimum of fifteen minutes before they can conclude that attempts to resuscitate are unsuccessful.)

Our on call doctor arrives in a car marked on call. Not the old system of a GP in a banger.

He seems very efficient. He checks heart, mouth, chest, back for heartbeat. He checks oxygen levels with a prick of the finger of the patient and says her oxygen levels are low. (Is that why she is gasping for breath. Must be most unpleasant, and a strain on the heart.)  This can easily be corrected in hospital by supplying oxygen.

Treatable?
He says that her lung condition is treatable. And antibiotics can solve the mouth infection. But until she recovers her strength enough to eat she needs to be on a drip so he calls on ambulance to take her to hospital. He says the patient's condition is reversible and rings for an ambulance to be sent urgently.

The care home manager is not pleased. She thinks the patient will die anyway and will be surrounded by strangers who do not care as much as the staff who have known the patient day and night for nearly ten years. The staff can remember when granny was first admitted downstairs (the floor for those who can walk unaided and need less attention). Granny was a jolly lady who occasionally fell over and had occasional bad days of memory lapses but in between was her old chatty, friendly self.

Hospital Visit
Weekend afternoon - we go to the hospital. Granny has her eyes shut and does not respond at all. Her breathing is shallow but regular. She is on oxygen.

Rose Symbol Requesting Silence
I read the notice about the Rose symbol in the wards. If you see this symbol, somebody is dying or dead, so please be quiet for the benefit of those who are sick or grieving.

Looking After The Elderly, Frail, Bedridden & Terminal: banks, books etc

My friend T wrote to me after I sent him the advice below, so I thought it might be useful to you.

Thanks a million. This is incredibly useful information ( and I don't think I am using the superlative in vain)/  Topic for another book perhaps. My dad will be very grateful to you for this. Really appreciate it and especially like the point about removing a solicitor from the will - Yes we already thought of that one and have done it. God bless you for this 'B'

From: angelalansbury@hotmail.com
To: A friend whose father is ill
Subject: Everything You Need
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 2007 22:35:

Dear Friend
If you left your father's bedside to go back to work, social services would have to do something. But if you are able to take time off work, I am sure you will always be glad you were there.

A hospice is probably better than a hospital where nobody has time for you and you are left in a side ward staring at bare walls. You also risk getting MRSA and clostridium difficile.

All sorts of people can provide commodes and bath aids and devices for lifting you upright in bed at home and so on:
a) Social services in your area. And the rival next county will happily tell you why your area is not doing what it should!
b) Help the Aged.
c) Age Concern.

Carers' Association offers respite. Local Carers' Association has information.

You should be claiming a carers' allowance for your father or for yourself.

RNIB. Blind.
RNID. Deaf. They have magazines, websites and advice lines.
They can lend things to you, or sell at a discount.

WWII veterans can claim allowances.

Local church of which you are a member can send visitors. Christmas or holiday gifts of food for the sick, and a card, and a visitor.

GP. Might have leaflets.

Meals on wheels deliver food. So do supermarkets. Some milkmen. Other services online will deliver fruit and vegetables. Or complete tray meals. To name just one: Wiltshire Farm Foods.

Send one line letter to local newspaper asking for advice.

If going into hospital, check whether they have DNR (do not resuscitate) on the patient's notes.

Keep the phone numbers of the consultant and your GP with you. The hospital's staff might decline to phone them. But you can. Your GP probably won't know the patient has gone into hospital.

Get all bank accounts in joint names so funds aren't frozen.

Get father to help you list all debits and credits. Have all share certificates to hand ready to deal with probate or get names changed.

Take out ISAs or Tessas (tax free allowance bonds). Pass on the amount you are allowed to pass on.

Get the Power of Attorney forms signed.

Wills - will forms are available to be bought on line. Or copy the wording of your old will and add any extra points. You need two witnesses who are younger than he person making the will. Witness should not be a beneficiary. Organizations such as Help The Aged usually have sample wills and advice leaflets.

Find out where to turn off water and electricity. How to open windows.

Identify all doorkeys. Back door. Shed. What's in the shed - anything important? Where are instruction books for the lawn mower?

How much do you pay the cleaner and gardener? What do you give them for Christmas?

Do you wish to be buried or cremated? Put this in writing.

If two wives - do you want to be buried beside first wife, in previously preserved plot, which your children will want, or to be cremated, which second wife might prefer?

Identify everybody in address book as friend or business associate.

Choose music or reading for funeral.

Where are the gravestones of spouses and parents? To get somebody buried in the grave of deceased spouse you will need the cemetery name, location, phone number, name of previously deceased spouse, gravestone number.

Strike solicitor out of will. They can hold up proceedings, charge by the hour, keep your documents, and charge admin fee percentage.

Funeral expenses - keep copy of cost because you claim them off inheritance tax.

If he's up to talking, ask father where he and his wife met. Why he chose your name. Why family surname? Why his name? What year did he marry and where? Anything you want to know which you will never be able to find out once he's dead? Ask him about his parents and grandparents. Did he lose touch with any siblings?

Get out photos and label them and date them. Which ancestors are on old wedding photos?

Is anything in house borrowed?
Promised to a relative?
You'd be amazed how many people say I loaned him that or he promised me that.

Offer goods to family before selling them of giving them to strangers. Better to offer souvenirs to other members of the family who don't like to ask than to give everything to charity shop and find irate relatives wanted items.

If you go into hospital in my area they can't release you until they have care arrangements in place.

Don't rely on others to call social services. My local social services called late on the day my father died, after he'd been ill a month, and said nobody had told him the case was urgent.

If you need any help and want to talk it through just give me a call. Sometimes as you explain a problem, and what you have tried so far, and what is not provided, the answer of what you need, where to get it, what to do, just pops up.

Your library will have books on funerals and probate.

Hope this helps.
***
Reading this again, much later I would like to add some new precautions.
PS Who sends you Xmas cards? Anybody overseas? I spent weeks trying to track down a lady, first name only, from the USA - eventually found her name in an address book.

Go through address book. Ask your hospital patient to explain, all those people called John, or Al? Are they plumbers or old friends, or old friends who happen to be plumbers?

After my uncle died, I felt obliged to ring everybody and tell them he had died, giving his formal name in an unemotional voice. If they replied, 'Oh no! We had lunch last month? Who are you?' the conversation was different from the plumbers. They would answer, "We are plumbers, Why are you telling us this?' I replied, 'In case he's on your mailing list, you might wish to save yourself the cost of brochures and postage.' To which they usually replied, 'Oh, yes. I only started today, good idea, I'll take him off the mailing list. Good idea.'

While you're at it, ask for the passwords for all the book clubs which have subscriptions. That will enable you to cancel the unread, unwanted books which keep piling up on a sale or return basis, when you cannot return because the answering machine demands the password.

Dying and Living in Hospital - A Better Way

Dying in hospital can be lonely, boring, miserable. Hours just lying there staring at a blank wall or stark ceiling.

Home has familiar items. Photos of the family. Your preferred colours.

Anybody stuck in hospital more than 24 hours should be able to adapt the room to their taste.

PICTURE FRAMES
The hospital could have a wipe clean photo frame. It has a choice of two pictures (reversible). Plus a slot in front where you can place your own family photo. (Labelled on the back with your name and address in case you leave it behind.)

Or you could buy pictures from the trolley to put in the slot. When you leave hospital you can take the picture with you or donate it to the hospital so that subsequent visitors have a choice of pictures.

FOOD DONATIONS
Patients often want to donate chocolates to nurses. How about donations to sponsor food for patients?

Christmas dinners. Extra fruit juices, not just orange. Fresh fruit in season. Between meal snacks for those who need to put on weight.

COLOUR
For example, why not have a choice of colour schemes. Say blue, green or orange. A couple of pictures. Or blankets with edging in the colour of your choice.

Or a view of a wall where you can choose the picture projected by a central lantern or laser system.

If you can choose from a dozen pictures on a computer, why not adapt this to a hospital wall.

And instead of a tiny TV which can be seen by the nearest person in a multi-bed ward, obviously a large screen.

Design a hospital like a hotel.

HYGIENE
Motels have self-cleaning shower rooms. Hospitals in the UK often have filthy shared toilets and public bathrooms. Install self-cleaning and self-drying ones.

And those Japanese toilets which wash you after using the toilet. They must make you feel more comfortable as well as being more hygienic.

HAIRDRESSING
In hospital I had a visiting hairdresser. Can't afford it? Maybe student hairdressers under supervision, or school-leavers on work experience, could volunteer to wash the hair of people in hospital, starting with those who have injuries rather than infections.

SUGGESTIONS PLEASE