I was told that my mother had a Do Not Resuscitate order on her. Several problems affected my family later - and still do.
1 The decision (or veto or casting vote) goes to the spouse. My father, mother’s spouse, had the next of kin vote. As a daughter I had none.
2 For a widow (or widower) the vote goes to the child, not the grandchild. In a similar disagreement, when another member of my family died, her son had the 'let her die' vote, but the grandson was upset because he wanted her to live.
3 It may not be clear to the family that the 'do not resuscitate' means something will happen and your relative will die within a few hours. Do not go away! I assumed that my parent (mother) might live another week. I would not have left hospital if I had realised she would be dead within a couple of hours. First I would not have left her alone (and at the mercy of staff). Second I would not have taken two stressful journeys to and from hospital (four trips in all, there, bad, there, back. Nor would I have made the double journey for my 89 year old father).
4 If a patient has nil by mouth they will die of dehydration and have no relief for a dry mouth and their tongue will swell up so it’s hard to breath and impossible to talk.
5 We left my dying mother because my 89 year old father needed to go home to eat and sit down. Provision should be made for an elderly spouse or next of kin or child to order food to be brought to them. If a charge is made, that would be better than sending them off to a canteen and coming back to find dear Mum has died alone.
6 Leaving your family member to die alone leads to dreadful guilt trips. The spouse or child thinks either
a) My relative died because I left and they were all alone and felt abandoned.
b) While I was away the nursing staff gave them an injection which killed them.
7 Second thoughts. What if you change your mind? Maybe before making a decision you should be given a checklist. This could include:
What would they decide if it had been me?
I thought about it. My mother would never have let me die.
She would always have wanted to keep me alive for another, day, another round of staff, a second opinion, a different treatment, a chance of a recover, a postponement of the overwhelming grief.
Afterwards my neighbour who was a nurse asked me: was the blood red or brown? I did not know. I should have taken photographs. That might have told me whether my mother had a chance of survival. And the cause of her vomiting blood.
Sorry to be so gruesome, but you do need to deal with these matters. Birth and death may involve blood. You need to know when loss of blood is survivable and when it isn't. If it isn't, you might not want to go away.You need to know the options to make a decision you won't regret, the right decision, for your loved one and yourself.
Angela Lansbury, author and speaker.
7 Second thoughts. What if you change your mind? Maybe before making a decision you should be given a checklist. This could include:
What would they decide if it had been me?
I thought about it. My mother would never have let me die.
She would always have wanted to keep me alive for another, day, another round of staff, a second opinion, a different treatment, a chance of a recover, a postponement of the overwhelming grief.
Afterwards my neighbour who was a nurse asked me: was the blood red or brown? I did not know. I should have taken photographs. That might have told me whether my mother had a chance of survival. And the cause of her vomiting blood.
Sorry to be so gruesome, but you do need to deal with these matters. Birth and death may involve blood. You need to know when loss of blood is survivable and when it isn't. If it isn't, you might not want to go away.You need to know the options to make a decision you won't regret, the right decision, for your loved one and yourself.
Angela Lansbury, author and speaker.
